not sure what to say

i really hate this pretending crap. I guess I dream of the husband at least being nice to me or kissing my ass and he doesn't even care to do that anymore. I get some generic, crap kiss when he leaves and when he gets home how sweet. Not even his used to be usual "I love you" which didn't mean anything anyway. But I still liked to hear it.

I can't bring myself to be nice to him or touch him, which is probably a good thing, makes it easier not to fall back into that pattern. Mostly I am dying to know just how much he talked to M after I told him I knew,not that it should matter because I know he has talked to her and that is already too much. But I just would like to know, is he talking to her every night, several times a night?

And the girl that called him the other night, he still could give to shits to even make up an excuse as to what the hell is up with that. I am sure he has since called her a lot.

I just ache and simply I am sad. But I am focusing more on my kids and thinking of things to make them happy, in the long run and now. if daddy decides to get up and have some fun with them or help with them Whatever, but I don't count on it anymore and don't plan too. I will find a way

The Sex

I think if nothing else a lot that pisses me off is the sex. All this time when I thought we were cool or semi-okay, we were having sex. Sadly more times it was totally boring and unsatisfing but other times it rocked.

Anyway, the thing that pisses me off is that I am his wife, if nothing else I am suppose to be entitled to sex, all the time, anywhere, anyway I want it, right? well you know what i mean, but instead he is worried about hooking up with whatever he wants and who cares that his wife is at home, yet again alone.

Is it too much to ask that I have a husband , that fine flirts or goes to titty bars or looks at porn and gets turned on, but can draw the line and bring all that frustration home and fantasizes and take it out on me? I don't ask much and I am a leniant wife, I would love to rep the rewards of such fantasizes. But no, instead I get the shitty, hurry up and get this over with sex and come to find out, he has all this fun sex with god knows who in the mean time/

So what I am saying is it's not fair, LOL!!! I want the freaky, fun, happy sex with my own husband!!damn it!

Back to the daily grind...

we have had some interesting developments outside of marriage/affair problems but here we are back to the daily grind since the husband got home. I am again sulking before bed and just thinking back on the last few days, getting pissed of course. I am just so sad, and so tired of being sad.

We had some nice little "family" times this weekend, isn't that special, too bad it doesn't mean shit to the husband. He even took me to a movie, of which I wished on was on the total opposite end of the theater than him. It was a really good movie and I need the laughs, but only half enjoyed it because all the while little "triggers" were setting me off throughout the movie.

So I got through the first couple days the husband was back in town and him pretending nothing has happend and I wasn't just blowing up at him about him with another girl. Anyway we had some extraordinary circumstances and I didn't even have to be alone with him for a couple days, once that settled down he was back to work. ANd don't you know that first night, he left his phone at home. He said later he couldn't find it, I feel sorta like he is playing head games(more on that another time). Anyway, sure enough like clock work, like 2 minues after his shift is to start, some little missy calls. I answered it, I really have no shame and fuck it I am the wife and it seems to me must(if not all his little hussies) know he has a wife and kids. She didn't say shit, but I knew the number as one from the past. I told her the asshole forgot his phone and home and she would have to botty call him tomorrow. she hung up.

So that has me pissed and I can't keep my mouth shut so I said something, who knows when he called her back but I am sure he has. And still no mention of miss M that I found out about while he was gone.

So now we are back to the daily ground and I had to be home with him all day, withthe kids at least. So I just putzed around the house trying to stay in separate rooms all day. Until he went to bed before work. It seems to be really working. He has tried some suttle kisses or nudges and cuddling in bed, all of which make me physically ill and want to kick him. But I am pissed and not pudging, he will never stop this BS and I know it, so I am just trying to fight and get through this day.

He comes home today...

...and I am freaking out. I am scared and total uncomfortable. I mean I know I can put on the happy face, well mostly happy, and pretend, but I just don't want to.

I just don't want him to come home, geez. I am not worried about him physically hurting me or the kids, just scared because I am so uncomfortable around him. It is just so hard to explain. He wants love and affection when he gets home and I am sure he will have the nerve to ask What's Wrong? LOL and I just don't understand it. Just because he says so does not mean what I know happened didn't.

So the countdown begins......

clearly where I stand

so over this weekend, I have thought about so much and right now wish I was anywhere but here. I know the husband has done this but seriously there is no where for me to go, kinda makes me the perfect wife I guess. he got me to stay home with the kids years ago and here I am looking for a job only no one wants to hire some one out fo work for a few years, not even waitressing. So I don't make my own money, convient.

I don't have a dad(well I had sperm at one time)but not a dad in life. So can't go there, and well mom is a mess and probably homeless right now, so no going there either. He knows I am stuck and not going anywhere so he just does what he wants and know he has his mother figure and kids right here at home.

Anyway, aside from that I really got put in my place in a couple of conversations with the husband over the phone. I wouldn't normally share this because it is embarrasing on a bunch of levels, but feel I can still get it out, not knowing anyone face to face here.

So one time I was on a rant and I said something about if nothing else he needs to respect my wishes. I do not choose to cheat and sleep around, only it is like I am when he does and then comes home to my bed. I shared my concerns of STD. His EXACT words to me were "well there you go thinking about yourself". OH MY GOD!! i couldn't believe it, oh wait a minute yes I could. He thinks I am thinking of myself when it comes to STD, excuse me for being selfish, it is one thing if I want to put myself at risk and have all kinds of unsafe sex, but I shouldn't NOT know if my husband thinks it is okay for me, I don't like it.

The other one was in a moment of pure weakness, I was saying how I needed him to be here, with the kids, for me, I needed to lay around and watch movies, I needed to be able to talk to him, I needed him to call me in the night, I needed this and that. Stupid I know, I wasn't so much begging(I didn't mean to be) just trying to be truthful as if I would get some truth in return. So in return I got no out poor of love, or flowers sent. I got, "are ya gonna make popcorn?" so that is where I thought he can't even cheat right. He wants to be single but wants to have the married life and thinks this is all a big game, well he should at least make an effort to play it up.

So if it was as easy as packing up the kids and driving away I would, but I need time to get money and a place lined up. this just simply sucks!!

Pep Talk

Just a little bit of talking to myself here. I need to remember to stay strong, give him nothing. He needs to stop his calls and visits with her now or expect nothing from me. I am here for now, but must be strong to break free.

He will not stop the calls I know that. If not her, it will eventually be someone else. So stand my ground and stop crying because he is so not worth it.

He's not even a good cheating husband

so call me crazy, but if you are going to cheat on your wife and you want to hide it, won't you do everything you could to get her mind off of the issue. I mean reassure your undying love, send flowers, take her out something to "prove" to her you love her. Sounds sick I know, but my god show so effort if you goal is to have your cake and eat it to, especially if you want the cake to stay.

Anyway, I blew yesterday on the phone at the husband, after reading a email his new young dumb girl sent him. There is a pattern, more on that later. And he took the "someone is spreading lies" defense, as if it wasn't there in black and white. They were just together on Tuesday, and Wednsday before he left we had it out some more about him and affairs. I didn't expect anything less than lies, but if your gonna lie, poor it on me. Call me all times of the day, tell me you love me, don't take a nap before you decided to call me back after your wife just found out you have a new girlfriend.

He just takes it so non-chalantly now. Like I said, I want him to at least feel bad he is hurting me, but I know that is unrealistic.

Sadly the pattern repeats itself. So I am sure he has already called this girl, M. He will be upset with her that she emailed him that shit and he will tell her no more emails, especially until he can change his password. So there goes that line of knowledge for me. So he will be mad with her but get over it, he will think things will smooth over, but they wont. She will slip again. All the young dumb ones will. See the young girls, they start to think they are in love and he will leave HA!(not if he can't even admit to seeing you). But they will carry on for as long as it takes for them to find a real man, no one that only sees them in the shadows.

Now catching him with the more mature girls that know they are just in it for the booty call that is harder, I usually only have phone records. because they are just as non-chalant as them, just out of a big relationship(married or not) and just looking for some play, not commitment.

I gotta go, I mopped around all day yesterday, so today I guess I start anew pretending we are living alone and happy with the husband. till next time.

I really need to learn to control myself

I try to just tredge on day to day, get by with out the sex or love from the husband and just do for my kids each day. But every once in a while I get my anger so pent up I end up blurting some shit out about his affairs.

I did this last night and I never feel any better after, he just turns in full circle and I am back to how I felt. I will never admit to anything, but still I feel this need to give him an out as if he will tell me everything, HA! So he is leaving town and far as I can tell, has a date set up with some girl he met last time he was in the town he is going to. They got all drunk and god knows what together. So last night he was home and there was awkwardness and I blurted shit out about me knowing things, and asking who one girl was.

There was a bit of stumble and then a quick, almost good excuse she calls all hours of the night. Whatever. So I do the blurting because I bubble over, but I do learn to watch what I say. Because I know, from the past, that if I express things I know he figures out how I found them out and will just be that more carefull and I am more interested in nailing his ass one of these days. So I explode like a volcano but keep a lot of lava still close to me.

Anyway, on to better things, he is gone a couples days which just means the kids and I can breath a little easier and enjoy ourselves.

What's Wrong?!?

I have tried to post this a few times now, I hope this one works.

I am getting so sick of the husband asking me "what's wrong?" when I am mopping and feeling down but don't dare say anything. How can he honestly not KNOW what is wrong. HELLO?!?

I know it seems you don't give a damn, but this shitting on me, our marriage and our family really sucks and excuse me for being down. If I had my way I would just spend some days laying around staring at the walls, and trying to cry myself to sleep. BUT I tredge on taking care of our kids, trying to stay as positive as I can.

What's Wrong? I have a husband who rather squeeze is mid-thirties fat ass in a car to fuck then come home and have me anywhere, anyway he wants. I have a husband that can't wait to leave this house to call some regular to "talk". I have a husband who gets angry and me and the kids because we are not always happy-go-lucky like his young little hussies. I have a husband that lies to me about everything and tries to make this my fault. I have a husband that makes dates for when he is going out of town, but won't take me to a dollar movie at the theather. I have a husband that brings me so down I hate having to get out of bed.

So you need to ask what is wrong?