I can't do this

I want to explode right now. I want to go kick hubby while he is in bed sleeping. Dreaming of an upcoming week of bliss with is fucking girlfriend. I want to call her and at least say I know and thanks for laughing in the face of me and my boys.

My hubby cheats, has for a long time now. I don't know exactly how many but too many even if it were just once in my book.

I have bben through a lot of emotion. I am mostly a SAHM so the first time I was like fucking use him, enjoy your kids while they are this small and let him burden all the cost. I have been the well he ended it and it was fun for him but I am his wife, he loves me and I am still standing(yeah right).

Now I just hate myself for sticking my kids and I in the situation with no quick way out. I really really really fucking don't want to be here when he gets back. But I have no family or friends house to run to. I have no where near enough money. Yes even drawing his bank accound has crossed my mind but I don't need that burden too and it wouldn't be enough. I am working now but it doesn't pay nearly enough. I am looking into a better paying more stable job so I hope that works out.

For now I am stuck to nothing. And having to pretend I know nothing really pisses me off. I just want to scream at him at her and if for nothing else so they know I know, even though they obviously don't give a shit. I have no one to talk to, I am up in a quiet dark house while he sleeps pissed and hurt and I think I am having an anxiety attack and no one to cry on, I think that is what I need most right now.