2 effin days

wow it took 2 days for him to get back to work and be a big fucking asshole, not like he wasn't when he was off most of the summer but damn. he really is kinda skitso(how the hell do ya spell that?). Anyway it was ok when the boys and I left this am and then we pull in driveway and I can hear him bitching already. WTF?? I know the house is a mess but did you see we were @ the drs. all morning, forgive the shit out of me. So it was just up hill from there. SO then the boys have practice and he had me running to the store and then was pissed we weren't home when he came on a break! WHAT the hell is that all about. I just don't get it. Yea me!

reunion of sorts...

much earlier than expected.

So I know he is looking into a reunion of sorts. He has said to them that he is going and it will be rough at home but who cares. Which I am not suppose to know. So that means lie to the wife, let her bitch about him being gone and who the fuck cares.

So I think there is something brewing for the end of this month. I am so fucking livid right now. I just want to wait patiently and then take off with everything when he is gone. I am sick of being here when he comes back for fucking around like that.

But scared to death. I have no where to go, no money. I am like PT min. wage right now, no means whatso ever. Yeah in the long run he would pay child support maybe even alimony but only if I can afford a better lawyer than him and I am sure I can't. he will just intimidate and be brutal. What the fuck!!!

Why can't he just come clean and leave since he hates this life so much?

Should I just take the money.

we don't keep a lot at all in our bank account. I should say he doesn't he spends worse than a girl. But fuck I am just a god damn joke to him and it pisses me off. Since his fucking trist a few weeks ago I have been nothing but nice. He of course still doesn't admit he was even there, or really fucking care that I am pissed. I am sure he is just planning the next time they can be together.

Anyway Should I just buck up, since he won't leave and what little money he has in a joint account and leave? Just so freaking worried, when I leave it has to be good, right and forever. No risk of losing the kids. He will be pissed, I know and don't care at this point. Just wonder if it is enough.

Also if I just hang in there and continue trying to save my money. I think he is trying to plan a trip in September. And if not then he will be going to a tournament in her area I am sure. he won't not go, per my request. SO if he goes to either I very much need to not be here when he gets his ass home.

Am I allowed??

Am I allowed to be sad and hurt and mad and say something to him?

Am I allowed to want to talk to him about anything when I come up and get mad because he won't be bothered to answer his phone.

I can see we are soo over, LOL sorry can't get Rachel and Ross out of my head although this is NOT nearly that funny. But can't he just stop lying.

I don't have anyone to talk to and in a normal day he would be bitching that I don't talk to him and I need to make more of an effort. But I have tried to call him all day and he couldn't bother to call not even the kids this afternoon. I know he is spending a last night with her, for now and I am sure that is why. But fuck. I called several times the least he could do was call back and leave me a message. So I called and called and he wouldn't answer. So I called her. I wasn't mean even though I wanted to be. I basically just said I know you are spending your last night together or whatever but do you think you can have my husband call me? And then I tried him one last time to leave a message there and what do you know he picked up.

Of course said he was out with everyone, but failed to mention her name. So I ask of so you get the room all to yourself tonight and he gets pissed at me and hung up.

It just isn't fair. I am not even allowed to be sad or mad or tell him that I know and really don't care at this point. But I know shit is hitting the fan when he gets home. It just sucks!! that is all I can always say.

I know where I stand and it find it so hard to just shut my mouth and let it be because he lies and wants me to be all happy and shit. Can't he at least come clean. That cellphone never leaves his side at home, of course becuase that is his link. But when we are out as a family he finds a way to leave and call or text her and he can't find 5 minutes to call and talk to me like anyone other than the nanny. And I think what pisses me off more is he is so consumed after a week with her he didn't even call the kids tonight before they were off to bed. And he usually does AT LEAST that.

this is such bullshit

So it is basically like he is on a whole vacation with this chick for over a week now. It sucks so bad and I am not allowed to say anything because then I get bitched at for bitching about him being with some other bitch, got all that??

It sucks so hard. I am not sleeping but maybe 1 hour at night just in time to get up and go to work. I am pissed when I start work. Usually after a couple hours there I get some excuse call about why he didn't call back the night before. Then I come home, try to take the kids somewhere just because I can't stand being here. Then I get them to bed and try to go to bed myself.

I know she is there although he completely denies it. In my mind he is with her every fucking night, most of the day, volunteering in the same groups, and in the morning, on all his breaks. Sunday they were alone I am sure and tomorrow the kids go home and they will be out together, he already said he was going to some summer fest bullshit so of course that will just be like one big happy date.

God I am fucking pissed. I can't keep it from him on the phone, on the rare chance he actually calls and speaks to me for a minute. I say something and he gets pissed. I went off the other night and it was bullshit and the leat he could do is stop shitting on me. He jumped back in my shit about how I have nothing and I am in big trouble when he gets home and shit. I just wish I had the money and the power and could be the one to threaten him.

He just thinks I am shit and can't even admit it!!

I can't do this

I want to explode right now. I want to go kick hubby while he is in bed sleeping. Dreaming of an upcoming week of bliss with is fucking girlfriend. I want to call her and at least say I know and thanks for laughing in the face of me and my boys.

My hubby cheats, has for a long time now. I don't know exactly how many but too many even if it were just once in my book.

I have bben through a lot of emotion. I am mostly a SAHM so the first time I was like fucking use him, enjoy your kids while they are this small and let him burden all the cost. I have been the well he ended it and it was fun for him but I am his wife, he loves me and I am still standing(yeah right).

Now I just hate myself for sticking my kids and I in the situation with no quick way out. I really really really fucking don't want to be here when he gets back. But I have no family or friends house to run to. I have no where near enough money. Yes even drawing his bank accound has crossed my mind but I don't need that burden too and it wouldn't be enough. I am working now but it doesn't pay nearly enough. I am looking into a better paying more stable job so I hope that works out.

For now I am stuck to nothing. And having to pretend I know nothing really pisses me off. I just want to scream at him at her and if for nothing else so they know I know, even though they obviously don't give a shit. I have no one to talk to, I am up in a quiet dark house while he sleeps pissed and hurt and I think I am having an anxiety attack and no one to cry on, I think that is what I need most right now.

New Flame

So I am pretty damn sure my darling hubby has this new flame. Well I know that part, she texts his when she gets up and when she goes to bed and everywhere in between. They talk every night he works for a while now. She lives out of state, whatever. But next week(starting Sunday) my ever supportive, wonderful volunteer of a husband has a sports camp he does so conviently she got invited to this too. I am sure she is coming and early just as he is going early. So he is spending this dreamy week with this chick and there is noting I can do.

I know this happens and I say nothing because we have kids and I just don't make enough to pack us up and walk away. Hubby doesn't care to ever admit anything so he never walks away either, which makes no sense because he would be much happier if he did. He is just a fucking ass hole.