this is such bullshit

So it is basically like he is on a whole vacation with this chick for over a week now. It sucks so bad and I am not allowed to say anything because then I get bitched at for bitching about him being with some other bitch, got all that??

It sucks so hard. I am not sleeping but maybe 1 hour at night just in time to get up and go to work. I am pissed when I start work. Usually after a couple hours there I get some excuse call about why he didn't call back the night before. Then I come home, try to take the kids somewhere just because I can't stand being here. Then I get them to bed and try to go to bed myself.

I know she is there although he completely denies it. In my mind he is with her every fucking night, most of the day, volunteering in the same groups, and in the morning, on all his breaks. Sunday they were alone I am sure and tomorrow the kids go home and they will be out together, he already said he was going to some summer fest bullshit so of course that will just be like one big happy date.

God I am fucking pissed. I can't keep it from him on the phone, on the rare chance he actually calls and speaks to me for a minute. I say something and he gets pissed. I went off the other night and it was bullshit and the leat he could do is stop shitting on me. He jumped back in my shit about how I have nothing and I am in big trouble when he gets home and shit. I just wish I had the money and the power and could be the one to threaten him.

He just thinks I am shit and can't even admit it!!

I can't do this

I want to explode right now. I want to go kick hubby while he is in bed sleeping. Dreaming of an upcoming week of bliss with is fucking girlfriend. I want to call her and at least say I know and thanks for laughing in the face of me and my boys.

My hubby cheats, has for a long time now. I don't know exactly how many but too many even if it were just once in my book.

I have bben through a lot of emotion. I am mostly a SAHM so the first time I was like fucking use him, enjoy your kids while they are this small and let him burden all the cost. I have been the well he ended it and it was fun for him but I am his wife, he loves me and I am still standing(yeah right).

Now I just hate myself for sticking my kids and I in the situation with no quick way out. I really really really fucking don't want to be here when he gets back. But I have no family or friends house to run to. I have no where near enough money. Yes even drawing his bank accound has crossed my mind but I don't need that burden too and it wouldn't be enough. I am working now but it doesn't pay nearly enough. I am looking into a better paying more stable job so I hope that works out.

For now I am stuck to nothing. And having to pretend I know nothing really pisses me off. I just want to scream at him at her and if for nothing else so they know I know, even though they obviously don't give a shit. I have no one to talk to, I am up in a quiet dark house while he sleeps pissed and hurt and I think I am having an anxiety attack and no one to cry on, I think that is what I need most right now.

New Flame

So I am pretty damn sure my darling hubby has this new flame. Well I know that part, she texts his when she gets up and when she goes to bed and everywhere in between. They talk every night he works for a while now. She lives out of state, whatever. But next week(starting Sunday) my ever supportive, wonderful volunteer of a husband has a sports camp he does so conviently she got invited to this too. I am sure she is coming and early just as he is going early. So he is spending this dreamy week with this chick and there is noting I can do.

I know this happens and I say nothing because we have kids and I just don't make enough to pack us up and walk away. Hubby doesn't care to ever admit anything so he never walks away either, which makes no sense because he would be much happier if he did. He is just a fucking ass hole.